Get to Know Yourself: How Emotional Intelligence Can Transform Your Life

“The vast majority of us go to our graves without knowing who we are.” — Peter Scazzero

Growing up in Mississippi, I didn’t give much thought to my emotions. Like many men, I was taught—implicitly or not—that emotions were something to push through, not explore. That changed quickly when I got married. Suddenly, my inability to process or express how I felt wasn’t just my problem—it was affecting my relationship.

I realized that if I wanted a healthy, lasting marriage, I needed to understand myself on a deeper level. That journey led me to a concept I hadn’t heard of before: emotional intelligence.

Coined by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer in 1990, emotional intelligence is “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and action.” In plain terms? It’s learning how to manage your emotions rather than letting them manage you.

Emotions Aren’t Good or Bad—They’re Clues

In my counseling practice, I see this all the time: clients who struggle to name or share their emotions. Often, they’ve learned to judge their feelings—believing sadness is bad or that only happiness is acceptable. But this belief blocks emotional growth. Instead of dealing with what they’re feeling, people either bottle it up or it leaks out in unhealthy ways.

Take the person who snaps over something small—like getting cut off in traffic. That reaction probably isn’t just about the other car. It’s likely the result of many unspoken, unprocessed frustrations building up over time.

Here’s a mindset shift that changed my life and helps my clients every day:
Emotions are not good or bad. They’re signals.

They’re your body’s way of alerting you to something important—like a smoke detector going off. And just like a smoke detector, ignoring or silencing the signal doesn’t solve the problem.

Step 1: Tune In to Your Body

Your body often feels emotions before your brain catches up. That tension in your chest? That flutter in your stomach? Those are physical signs that something emotional is happening.

In The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes, “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them.” In other words, emotional growth starts by paying attention to what your body is telling you.

Try this: Think back to a time when you felt embarrassed. Did your face get hot? Did your stomach tighten? The next time it happens, slow down and name it:

“I’m noticing I feel embarrassed right now. My face is turning red, and I’m telling myself I want to escape this moment.”

This practice helps you recognize emotions as they happen—making it easier to manage them in real time.

Step 2: Learn the Language of Feelings

Early in my marriage, a counselor asked how I felt during a disagreement with my wife. My answer? “I don’t know.” Honestly, I didn’t. I hadn’t learned how to talk about emotions—let alone identify them.

That counselor challenged me to memorize a list of emotional words. It felt silly at first, but it changed everything. I began to incorporate words like “anxious,” “disappointed,” “hopeful,” and “grateful” into my everyday conversations. Suddenly, instead of replying with “stuff” when my wife asked how my day was, I could say something like, “It was frustrating at times, but I’m feeling excited about spending the evening with you.”

The words gave me access to parts of myself I had never been able to express. And the more I expressed, the more connected we became.

Want to try this? You can find emotion word lists online (like at Cornerstone Counseling’s website) and incorporate a few into your daily conversations. Over time, you’ll find it gets easier—and more natural.

Step 3: Make Space to Reflect Before You React

One of the most powerful aspects of emotional intelligence is learning to pause. When something triggers you—frustration, shame, fear—it’s easy to react impulsively. But reacting in the heat of the moment often leads to regret, hurt, or misunderstanding.

The solution? Build in a pause. Give yourself space to reflect before responding. Even a few seconds can make a difference.

Try this: The next time you feel a strong emotion, say to yourself, “I’m feeling something right now. I don’t have to respond immediately.” Step away for a moment. Breathe. Check in with your body. Ask, What am I really feeling? What do I actually need right now?

This kind of emotional margin allows you to choose your response, rather than be ruled by your reaction. Over time, this builds trust—in yourself and in your relationships.

As Viktor Frankl famously said:

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space, we have the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

At the heart of it, emotions connect us. When we feel seen and understood, we thrive. When we don’t, we shut down, lash out, or retreat.

When people struggle to express themselves or understand each other emotionally, relationships break down. But here’s the good news: emotional intelligence is something anyone can grow.

By learning to recognize your emotions and communicate them clearly, you become a better partner, parent, friend, and co-worker. You’ll know how to comfort a loved one during a tough time. You’ll spot emotional tension at work and respond thoughtfully instead of reactively. Life becomes richer, deeper—and way more meaningful.

Your Emotions Add Color to Life

Imagine a world without emotions. No joy, no heartbreak, no excitement, no peace. It would be dull, flat and lifeless. Our feelings—yes, even the uncomfortable ones—are what make life vibrant and human.

So take a step toward emotional awareness today:

Start noticing what your body tells you.
Learn and use emotional vocabulary.

These small shifts can lead to big transformations. You’ll start to see yourself more clearly and connect more deeply with the people who matter most.

Because emotional intelligence isn’t just psychology jargon—it’s the secret ingredient to a life well-lived.

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