Congratulations! You’ve met the person you will spend the rest of your life with and are busy preparing for your special day! While preparing for the wedding, you are also building the foundation of your marriage. Every couple hopes to build a solid foundation that withstands the inevitable trials of life.

A couple’s ability to repair after an argument is vital to the relationship’s foundation. Relationships constantly cycle through connection, disruption, and repair. Arguments are natural and can even be beneficial when handled effectively. The repairing phase turns conflict/disruption into a positive and is an opportunity to grow closer to your spouse, understand each other on a deeper level, and reestablish a connection.

The Ingredients for Repair

Successful repair conversations require vulnerability, a slow pace, and an understanding of the patterns in conflict. Extending grace to each other during these discussions is essential. It is also crucial to remember that needs are never the problem.

Vulnerability Is Key

Arguments can be hurtful, but repairing the connection requires letting down defenses. This often involves exposing oneself to the risk of being hurt again. Protective mechanisms developed over a lifetime can make vulnerability feel risky, yet they must be set aside to foster a deeper connection.

For instance, childhood experiences may shape emotional responses in adulthood. Someone who is shamed for being emotional might avoid expressing emotions during conflicts, fearing rejection. Yet expressing vulnerability—even when it feels risky—is a crucial step toward repair.

Each person has tendencies in conflict, such as withdrawing or pursuing. Taking risks to act contrary to these tendencies—engaging when one would normally withdraw or pausing to listen when one would usually pursue—signals a willingness to prioritize the relationship. Acknowledging these risks aloud reinforces the safety of vulnerability and paves the way for meaningful conversations.

Slow Down

Repair conversations must proceed slowly. When conversations move too quickly, crucial nuances are missed, including the risks each person is taking. Slowing down allows for a deeper understanding of what each partner is trying to communicate.

One way to slow the conversation is to make implicit thoughts explicit. Instead of simply acknowledging a partner’s perspective with “OK” or “I get it,” elaborate on your understanding and share why you get it. For example, “I see what you’re saying because I know how much you care, and I see how frustrating it is when your intentions are misunderstood.” This demonstrates care and a deeper understanding.

For repair to occur, both partners need to feel genuinely heard. Although this process may feel tedious, the result—a shared understanding—is invaluable. Remember, the pattern of interaction, not the partner, is the adversary.

The Pattern Is the Bad Guy

Every couple has a way of handling conflict. If these patterns are not recognized, they can become trapped in cycles of misunderstanding. The longer a couple remains stuck, the harder it becomes to repair.

Efforts to fix the relationship can feel like offenses when viewed through a negative pattern. Shifting the focus to the pattern as the enemy allows space for growth and mutual understanding.

Sue Johnson’s “Created for Connection” identifies the pattern and reflects on the dynamic:

  • “The more I, the more you, and the more you, the more I.”… and then the couple is stuck in a pattern.

For example, “The more I micromanage, the more you get defensive. The more you get defensive, the more I justify my position and raise my voice.” Once the pattern is understood, couples can create new dynamics focusing on fulfilling needs rather than perpetuating misunderstandings.

Focusing on Needs

Unmet needs drive every argument. Escalation occurs when the focus shifts to actions rather than underlying needs. Repair conversations should center on identifying and addressing these needs.

It is never wrong to need validation, understanding, safety, love, security, or respect. For instance, if one partner feels unappreciated and begins to micromanage, understanding the unmet need for respect can change the conversation’s tone. Similarly, acknowledging a partner’s need for validation when they withdraw fosters empathy and connection.

When addressing unmet needs, the goal is not perfection but genuine effort. A safe conversation provides space for clarification and adjustment without judgment. For example:

  • “When we were busy earlier, I needed to feel respected. When I didn’t, I started micromanaging. You might have needed to feel appreciated but shut down when you didn’t.”
  • “I can see why that happened. You needed respect and tried to gain it when you didn’t feel it. That made me feel attacked, so I shut down because I needed to feel appreciated.”

Validating needs rather than criticizing actions creates an environment of mutual understanding and connection. When in doubt, start with the universal need for connection, as arguments often stem from a sense of disconnection.

Conclusion

Repair conversations are inherently vulnerable but essential for breaking negative patterns and building stronger connections. By slowing down, identifying patterns, and focusing on each other’s needs, couples can create new, healthier dynamics. This process strengthens the foundation of the relationship, fostering security and closeness over time.

Repairing is not a one-time event but an ongoing practice. Each successful repair builds a more secure and resilient partnership—a foundation that can endure life’s challenges.

Tyler Stacy, M.A., L.P.C.- Tyler is a licensed counselor in Oxford, MS. He is married and has two children. For more relationship guidance, follow @tylerstacy_counseling on Instagram. 

By Tyler Stacy, M.A., L.P.C.

Cornerstone Counseling